Nobody wants me. All I do is make my mom mad. I have pretty much no friends. I have to leave the only place I’m happy at in two weeks. I want to cut really badly.

I hate everything.

3 months of progress down the fucking drain.

I haven’t self-harmed in exactly 3 months.

Last night and today have been really hard for me. At the moment, I’m actually shaking because I’m so overwhelmed. Too much is going on. I have to register for my college classes, I have to finish my community service and my last class, I have to order my cap & gown, I have to buy a prom dress, I have to buy a prom ticket, I still need to get a school ID, I need to find time to hang out with these two guys I’m close to because one leaves for the Marines in June and the other leaves for the army in August, I need to somehow get my child to listen to me, I need to deal with the fact that the girl who could pretty much be my sister is actually a married woman, I need to deal with the fact that my ex girlfriend is coming here in July/August, I need to lose weight, I need my friend and her stupid boyfriend to find a new place to hang all over each other because I’m about to blow a fucking gasket on the both of them, I need to buy a car, I need to get a job, there is just way too much to do and every little thing is fucking driving me insane and I haven’t wanted to cut this bad in a really long time. I probably would have already if I wasn’t going prom dress shopping tonight.

Fuck. I can’t throw all this progress down the drain. I’ve been doing so good.

My god, I haven’t used this blog in months. Well, update:

I’m still happy, for the most part. I haven’t cut since my 18th birthday, which was January 26th. One of my best friends lives with me now, she moved in about a month ago. I love it, she’s so much fun. her boyfriend gets a bit annoying sometimes, though, and he’s here constantly. I lost 10 pounds. school is going great. I got accepted to Milwaukee Area Technical College, for the 4-year transfer program. I’ll attend MATC for two years, and then I’ll transfer to the University of Wisconsin - Milwaukee. I’m going to be an English teacher. I’m hoping to move out by August, when my classes start. I’m applying for jobs. I’m still ridiculously single, which absolutely kills me. That’s my problem, lately. I get so upset over not having anyone to hold me, kiss me, take me out on dates… I just hate it. It hurts so fucking bad sometimes. And everyone that does want me, I don’t want to be with. Which is even worse. I don’t know.

I am still really overweight. I basically lost my best friend. The guy I like hasn’t been talking to me lately. My child has been a little hellion the past week or so.

But I am happy. So, so, so happy. I know I still have my problems, but my god, I can’t remember the last time I felt like this. My smiles are genuine. I don’t cut. I threw my razors away. I don’t think about killing myself. I don’t cry when I look at myself in the mirror. Everything is working out so well. I’ve even lost two pounds. I could cry I’m so thrilled with the way my life is going.

I haven’t cut in 20 days. My mom called my dad to see if I could use some of the money he has put away for me that he was going to give me on my birthday for daycare, and he said yes. I went to my old high school on Monday to watch Silence of the Lambs with my friend for her psych class after school ended, and before the movie started we went downstairs to talk to the woman who runs the GED program. Once I get the daycare stuff sorted out, I can go after school and take a reading test to see if I can get in. Thankfully, I’m awesome at reading tests. I’m so happy that I get to go back. All I need to do now is find a daycare and talk to my baby daddy about him having to pick her up an hour earlier on Wednesdays because school starts before he usually picks her up. Even if it’s only 3 hours a day and it’s not with all my friends, I get to graduate with them.

I feel like everything is slowly falling into place. I have such a good feeling about all this. I’m scared that everything is going to get ruined, but I don’t know. I’m just really excited.

I think I’m starting to remember what real happiness feels like.

I just don’t understand why I can’t let myself be happy.

I always fuck everything up.